Cite this Response
Alice! Health Promotion. "Should I tell my current partner if my ex just told me they have an STI?." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 15 Jun. 2026, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-tell-my-current-partner-if-my-ex-just-told-me-they-have-sti. Accessed 17, Jun. 2026.
Alice! Health Promotion. (2026, June 15). Should I tell my current partner if my ex just told me they have an STI?. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-tell-my-current-partner-if-my-ex-just-told-me-they-have-sti.
Dear Alice,
I've been going out with a girl here at my school for the past six months. Last weekend I went home (out of state), and fooled around with an ex-girlfriend. She called me last night and told me that she might have an STI. She went to the doctor this week and told me she would let me know when she finds out for sure. We didn't use a condom.
My problem is, what should I tell my girlfriend? I really love her and don't want to ruin things because of this stupid fling I had. But I can tell she's annoyed that I've avoided her all weekend. I can't exactly tell her next time we get together that I don't feel like fooling around, but I don't know how long it will be before I know if I'm infected. And what do I do if I am? Help!
— Desperate
Dear Desperate,
You’re in a tough spot, and it makes sense that you feel anxious about what to do. Facing the possibility of having a sexually transmitted infection (STI), figuring out how to tell your girlfriend something difficult, and worrying about the impact on a relationship you care about is a lot to carry. In a circumstance like this, honesty can make a difficult situation more manageable. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, clear and direct communication can help you navigate the situation in a way that prioritizes both your and your girlfriend’s health.
How can you disclose having an STI with your partner?
You mentioned that you don’t have confirmation from your ex yet, which could understandably make it harder to figure out what to tell your girlfriend. However, since there’s a chance you were exposed to an STI, it may be important to let your girlfriend know as soon as you can. Waiting until you have all the answers may feel easier, but delaying the conversation could put her health at risk and make the situation difficult to repair later.
If it helps, try putting yourself in her position. If the roles were reversed, you’d likely want to know as soon as possible so you could make informed decisions about your health and your relationship. Choosing to have this difficult conversation is a meaningful way to show respect and responsibility.
When should you get tested for an STI?
It’s probably best to get tested regardless of when your ex finds out about her results. Even if your ex ultimately tests negative, getting tested yourself is still important. Some STIs don’t display any signs or symptoms, so getting tested can confirm whether you have an infection.
In the meantime, it’s best to avoid sexual activity until both you and your girlfriend have been tested and know more. If you do test positive for an STI, you can consult a healthcare provider for next steps. These steps may include treatment, notifying partners, and temporarily abstaining from sex to prevent passing an infection back and forth. For more information on steps to take if you do have an STI, feel free to check out the STI Basics Fact Sheet.
Going forward, it may help to make STI testing part of starting any new sexual relationship, even with someone you’ve been involved with before. Overall, having open conversations about sexual health with partners can help build trust.
How can you navigate difficult conversations with your partner?
You may feel nervous to tell your girlfriend that you could have an STI. If that’s the case, it may help to plan out what you want to say by writing clear notes about your feelings. You could even practice with someone you trust (such as a friend or mental health professional) to plan what you want to say. When you do talk to your girlfriend, try to be prepared for a range of reactions. She may feel panicked, angry, or confused. She may also be open and understanding. Try your best to give her time to process and listen when she’s ready to respond.
If your girlfriend asks you questions about STIs that you can't answer, it’s okay to be honest and say you don’t know. You may suggest looking up information together. You could also follow up with a health care provider and get answers to your girlfriend’s questions. Ultimately, being proactive about finding information about STIs and getting tested can help demonstrate to your girlfriend that you care about her.
How can you reflect on your relationship with your partner?
Your situation not only raises questions about your physical health, but also about your future with your girlfriend. It may be helpful to reflect on the situation: How do you feel about your decision to see your ex-girlfriend? What kind of relationship do you want with your girlfriend; exclusive, open, or something else? Did your actions align with your relationship expectations? If you feel like you betrayed your girlfriend’s trust, how can you reestablish your connection?
Thinking through these questions ahead of time can help you reflect on your feelings and prepare for how you might respond if your girlfriend asks them.
This isn’t an easy situation, but handling it with honesty, accountability, and care can help put you in the best position to protect you and your girlfriend’s health and relationship growth.
Best of luck to you,